My Partner Lied About His Marriage, Then Dumped Me. Should I Go Quietly?

I recently ended a long relationship and find myself struggling less with heartbreak than with moral responsibility.

From the beginning, my partner described our relationship as ethical nonmonogamy. He was legally married, he said, but the marriage had become primarily a friendship and financial partnership. His wife no longer wanted a sexual relationship and had encouraged him to seek romance elsewhere.

He also said they planned to separate amicably once their child became independent. I therefore believed I was entering an unusual but consensual arrangement, not participating in infidelity. That distinction mattered. Had I thought I was helping deceive someone, I would never have become involved.

For years, apart from a brief hiatus, I accepted his account. As the promised transition approached, I pressed him for concrete plans. When I asked what separation would actually look like, he resisted the conversation. I began to wonder whether the arrangement he had described was real. Rather than answer my questions, he ended our relationship immediately.

Since then, his story has seemed increasingly unstable. He now says he remains married because of family obligations and because the arrangement allows him to pursue meaningful work. I cannot tell whether these are compassionate reasons, convenient rationalizations or explanations supplied after the fact.

Most troubling, I no longer know whether his wife ever consented to our relationship, much less encouraged it. His descriptions of her lack of interest in him and support for outside relationships now feel less like context than persuasion, intended to secure my participation while preserving his wholesome image.

If I entered the relationship believing there was informed consent but later came to suspect there was none, is disappearing silently an act of respect for their boundaries or an act of cowardice? And when a relationship was built on claims that later fall apart, what, if anything, is the deceived person owed by way of explanation or apology? — Name Withheld

From the Ethicist:

The married man who assures you that his marriage is over (almost) and that he and his wife will split (eventually) is drawing from a very old cultural script, albeit updated with talk of “ethical nonmonogamy.” You have every reason to feel betrayed. This man appears to have abused your trust and, by manipulation, made you a party to a deception you wanted nothing to do with.

So yes, he owes you an honest account of what happened, and an apology as well. You’re free to ask for these things; you certainly have no duty to make his departure from your life comfortable. But what, exactly, do you expect from him? If he’s the practiced deceiver he seems to be, you’ll get nothing of genuine value. For that matter, you should feel free to tell his wife what you know — but equally free to involve yourself no further in their marriage. Moving on with your life isn’t cowardice; it may be self-protection. You’re not obliged to prosecute the case merely because he deserves prosecution. What he owes you and what you can profitably seek to extract are, alas, separate matters. You’re entitled to the truth. Given what you’ve learned about him, you have no reason to think he’ll provide it.

Readers Respond

The previous question was from a reader who wondered whether he was obligated to keep housing his difficult brother-in-law. He wrote:

For the past three years, my partner’s brother — whom I’ll call my brother-in-law — has lived with us after serious personal and legal turmoil. … He has been unemployed for about two-thirds of the time he has lived with us, yet he has taken on little housework. … My partner agrees that the arrangement is unsustainable, but he has taken no meaningful steps to change it, partly because he is rarely home. I have told him I am nearing the point where I can no longer live this way. He says that if forced to choose between our relationship and his brother, he would choose me. I have asked him to speak with his family about other arrangements, but no one is willing or able to take his brother in. … How much obligation do I have to ensure he has stable housing at the expense of my home, my relationship and my peace? — Name Withheld

In his response, the Ethicist noted:

Your brother-in-law is responsible for his own life. You and your partner have done him a considerable favor by housing him for three years, and you are entitled to ask him to move out if that’s what you and your partner choose. … You can tell him, in plain and specific language, that his conduct is unacceptable and that, if he wants to remain in your home, he’ll have to change his ways immediately and permanently. … But perhaps the problem runs deeper than housework, deeper even than the financial costs he’s imposing. … If that’s the case, you should simply ask your brother-in-law to find somewhere else to live, giving him reasonable notice. Your partner might then ask the family to contribute to the costs of the relocation. Let me add that your partner is jointly responsible for your shared home. His assurance that, given an ultimatum, he’d “choose you” isn’t a substitute for taking real steps to address your unhappiness and support your relationship.

(Reread the full question and answer here.)

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I was in the same situation as the letter writer for years. It took a friend voicing that she was appalled that my partner could witness my distress and choose his family’s peace over my own by his inaction, before my partner finally spoke to his family. He made it clear we were no longer able to offer support, and asked his brother to move out. His brother’s response? “Oh, OK, I figured this was coming at some point.” He was just waiting for us to take action and taking advantage of our passively giving him full reign of the household. It’s been a few years now and my partner still occasionally apologizes for how long he let that go on. He sets way better boundaries with his family now, and I can finally live in peace in my own home. — Natalia

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It seems that your brother-in-law may well be suffering from clinical depression. Has he received medical evaluation? I agree with setting out clear expectations but if he is depressed, it may explain his lack of interest and energy for helping out. This is not to excuse the behavior, but he may need medication to regain some of his verve. — Holly

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If you have to ask your partner whether he would choose his brother or you, you are already in quicksand. The same parents raised these two men, and it appears the entire family is avoidant. You need a new contract with your partner, and honestly the best way to achieve it might be to leave and set up household elsewhere. Then, if your partner wants to move back in with you, you have some leverage. This hasn’t been working for a while and unfortunately, you’re going to have to be the adult making the decision. — Janet

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There can be a fine line between helping someone and enabling him, and enabling someone is definitely not helping. It sounds like you’ve been enabling your partner’s brother and it’s bad for everyone involved. You might need professional help, both for you and your partner, and for his brother. — David

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The partner says he would choose the letter writer over the brother. Call him on it. Set a date by which you will move into a new life if the unwelcome brother remains. Speak to a lawyer or other suitable person so that you will know the exact legal ramifications, and share that with your partner. If you can figure out a realistic move for the unwelcome brother, that might help. But actions speak louder than words. You may have to begin a new life. You will not have a happy future if this brother is in it. — Ann